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Chapter 3: The Muslim Woman and Her Parents
She treats them with kindness
and respect (birr)
One of the main distinguishing characteristics of the true Muslim woman
is her respectful and kind treatment of her parents. Islam encourages respect
towards and kind treatment of parents in many definitive texts of the Qur'an
and Sunnah; any Muslim woman who reads these texts has no choice but to
adhere to their teachings and treat her parents with kindness and respect,
no matter what the circumstances or the state of the relationship between
daughter and parents.
She recognizes their status and knows
her duties towards them
From her reading of the Qur'an, the Muslim woman understands the high
status to which Allah (SWT) has raised parents, and that it is a status
which mankind has never known except in Islam, which has placed respect
for parents just one step below belief in Allah (SWT) and true worship
of Him. Many ayat of the Qur'an describe pleasing one's parents
as coming second only to pleasing Allah (SWT), and confirm that treating
parents well is the best of good deeds after having faith in Allah (SWT).
(
Serve Allah, and join not any
partners with Him; and do good, to parents . . .)
(Qur'an
4:36)
So the Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her religion
is kinder and more respectful towards her parents than any other woman
in the world; this does not stop when she leaves the home to marry and
start her own family, and has her own, independent, busy life. Her respect
and kindness towards her parents are ongoing and will remain an important
part of her behaviour until the end of her life, in accordance with the
Qur'anic teaching which has enjoined kind treatment of parents for life,
especially when they reach old age and become incapacitated and are most
in need of kind words and good care:
(
Your Lord has decreed that
you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one
of both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of
contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out
of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, `My Lord! Bestow
on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.')
(Qur'an
17:23-24)
The Muslim woman whose heart has been illuminated with the light of Qur'anic
guidance is always receptive and responsive to this divine instruction,
which she reads in the
ayat that enjoin good treatment of parents.
So her kindness and respect towards them will increase, and she will be
even more devoted to serving them. She will do her utmost to please them,
even if she has a husband, house, children and other responsibilities of
her own:
(
Serve Allah, and join not any
partners with Him; and do good - to parents . . .)
(Qur'an
4:36)
(
We have enjoined on man kindness
to parents . . .)
(Qur'an 29:8)
(
And We have enjoined on man [to
be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him
. . .)
(Qur'an 31:14)
Anyone who looks into the Islamic sources regarding the kind treatment
of parents will also find plenty of Hadith that reinforce the message of
the
ayat quoted above and reiterate the virtue of kindness and respect
towards one's parents, as well as warning against disobedience or mistreatment
of them for any reason whatsoever.
`Abdullah ibn Mas`ud said:
"I asked the Prophet (PBUH), `Which deed is most liked by Allah (SWT)?'
He said, `Prayer offered on time.' I asked him, `Then what?' He said, `Kindness
and respect towards parents.' I asked him, `Then what?' He said, `Jihad
for the sake of Allah (SWT).'"1
The Prophet (PBUH), this great educator, placed kindness and respect towards
parents between two of the greatest deeds in Islam: prayer offered on time
and
jihad for the sake of Allah (SWT). Prayer is the pillar or foundation
of the faith, and
jihad is the pinnacle of Islam. What a high status
the Prophet (PBUH) has given to parents!
A man came to the Prophet (PBUH) to "make bay`ah" and to pledge
to undertake hijrah and jihad in the hope of receiving reward
from Allah (SWT). The Prophet (PBUH) did not rush to accept his bay`ah,
but asked him, "Are either of your parents alive?" The man said, "Yes,
both of them." The Prophet (PBUH) asked, "And do you wish to receive reward
from Allah (SWT)?" The man replied, "Yes." So the kind-hearted and compassionate
Prophet (PBUH) told him, "Go back to your parents and keep them company
in the best possible way."2
According to a report narrated by Bukhari and Muslim, a man came and
asked the Prophet (PBUH) for permission to participate in jihad.
He asked him, "Are your parents alive?" The man said, "Yes," so the Prophet
(PBUH) told him, "So perform jihad by taking care of them."3
In the midst of preparing his army for
jihad, the Prophet (PBUH)
did not forget the weakness of parents and their claims on their children,
so he gently discouraged this volunteer and reminded him to take care of
his parents, despite the fact that he needed all the manpower he could
get for the forthcoming
jihad. This is because he understood the
importance of respect and kind treatment of parents, and knew its position
in the overall Islamic framework that Allah (SWT) has designed for the
well being and happiness of mankind.
When the mother of Sa`d ibn Abi Waqqas objected to her son's embracing
Islam, she told him: "Give up Islam, or I will go on hunger strike until
I die. Then you will feel shame before the Arabs, as they will say that
he killed his mother." Sa`d told her, "You should know that, by Allah (SWT),
even if you had a hundred souls, and they left your body one by one, I
would never give up Islam." Then Allah (SWT) revealed an ayah which
the Prophet (PBUH) recited to the Muslims, in which Sa`d was rebuked for
the harshness of his reply to his mother:
(
But if they strive to make
you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey
them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice [and consideration]
. . .)
(Qur'an 31:15)
The story of the devoted worshipper Jurayj, which was told by the Prophet
(PBUH), is a vivid illustration of the importance of respecting one's parents
and being quick to obey them. One day his mother called him whilst he was
praying, and he wondered, "My Lord, my mother or my prayer?" He chose to
continue his prayer (rather than answering his mother). She called him
a second time, but he continued praying and did not answer her. Then she
called him a third time, and when he did not respond she prayed to Allah
(SWT) not to let him die until he had seen the face of a prostitute. There
was a prostitute in that locality who had committed adultery with a shepherd
and become pregnant. When she realised that she was with child, the shepherd
told her: "If you are asked about the father of the baby, say it is Jurayj,
the devoted worshipper." This is what she said, so the people went and
destroyed the place where he used to pray. The ruler brought him to the
public square, and on the way Jurayj remembered his mother's prayer and
smiled. When he was brought forth to be punished, he asked for permission
to pray two
rak`ahs, then he asked for the infant to be brought
forth and whispered in his ear, "Who is your father?" The infant said,
"My father is so-and-so, the shepherd."
4 The people exclaimed
"La ilaha illa-Allah" and "
Allahu akbar!" They told Jurayj, "We
will rebuild your prayer-place with silver and gold!" He said, "No, just
rebuild it as it was, with bricks and mortar." Concerning this story, which
is reported by al Bukhari, the Prophet (PBUH) said: "If Jurayj had sound
knowledge, he would have known that answering his mother was more important
than continuing his prayer."
5 Hence the
fuqaha' suggested
that if one is praying a
nafil prayer and one of one's parents calls
one, one is obliged to stop one's prayer and answer them.
The duty to treat one's parents with kindness and respect sunk into
the consciousness of the Muslims, so they hastened to treat their parents
well both during their lives and after their deaths. There are many reports
and Hadith that indicate this, for example the report thatdescribes how
a woman of Juhaynah came to the Prophet (PBUH) and said: "My mother made
a vow (nadhr) to perform Hajj but she did not perform Hajj before
she died. May I perform Hajj on her behalf?" He said, "Yes, go and perform
Hajj on her behalf. If you knew that your mother had a debt, would you
not pay it off for her? Pay off what is due to Allah (SWT), for Allah (SWT)
has more right to be paid off."6
According to a report given by Muslim, she asked, "She owed a month's
fasting, so may I fast on her behalf?" The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Fast on
her behalf." She said, "She never performed Hajj, so may I perform Hajj
on her behalf?" He said, "Perform Hajj on her behalf."7
She is kind and respectful towards her parents
even if they are not Muslim
The Prophet (PBUH) raised his teachings to a new peak when he enjoined
his followers to treat their parents with kindness and respect even if
they were adherents of a religion other than Islam. This is clear from
the Hadith of Asma' bint Abi Bakr al-Siddiq (PBUH), who said: "My mother
came to me, and she was a mushrik at the time of the Prophet (PBUH).
I asked the Prophet (PBUH), `My mother has come to me and needs my help,
so should I help her?' He said, `yes, keep in touch with your mother and
help her.'"8
The true Muslim who understands the meaning of this Qur'anic guidance and
the teachings of the Prophet (PBUH) cannot but be the best and kindest
of all people towards his parents, at all times. This is the practice of
the
Sahabah and those who followed them sincerely. A man asked Sa`id
ibn Musayyab (RAA): "I understood all of the
ayah about kindness
and respect towards parents, apart from the phrase `but address them in
terms of honour.' How can I address them in terms of honour?" Sa`id replied:
"It means that you should address them as a servant addresses his master."
Ibn Sirin (RAA) used to speak to his mother in a soft voice, like that
of a sick person, out of respect for her.
She is extremely reluctant to disobey them
Just as the Muslim woman hastens to treat her parents with kindness
and respect, she is also afraid to commit the sin of disobeying them, because
she realises the enormity of this sin which is counted as one of the major
sins (al-kaba'ir). She is aware of the frightening picture which
Islam paints of the one who disobeys her parents, and this stirs her conscience
and softens any hardness of heart or harsh feelings that she might be harbouring.
Islam draws a comparison between disobedience towards one's parents
and the crime of associating partners with Allah (SWT), just as it establishes
a link between true faith in Allah (SWT) and respectful treatment of parents.
Disobedience to one's parents is a heinous crime, which the true Muslim
woman is loath to commit, for it is the greatest of major sins and the
worst of errors.
Abu Bakrah Nufay` ibn al-Harith said:
"The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) asked us three times, `Shall I tell
you the greatest sins?' We said, `Yes, O Messenger of Allah.' He said,
`Associating partners with Allah (SWT) and disobeying one's parents.'"9
Her mother comes first, then her father
Islam has encouraged respect and kindness towards parents. Some texts
deal with the mother and father separately, but taken all together, the
texts enjoin a healthy balance in children's attention to their parents,
so that respect to one parent will not be at the expense of the other.
Some texts further confirm that the mother should be given precedence over
the father.
So, as we have seen, when a man came to give bay`ah and pledge
to take part in jihad, the Prophet (PBUH) asked him, "Are either
of your parents alive?" This indicates that the Muslim is obliged to treat
both parents equally well. Similarly, Asma' was ordered to keep in contact
with her mushrik mother.
A man came to the Prophet (PBUH) and asked him, "O Messenger of Allah
(SWT), who among people is most deserving of my good company?" He said,
"Your mother." The man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Your
mother." The man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Your mother."
The man asked, "Then who?" The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Then your father."10
This Hadith confirms that the Prophet (PBUH) gave precedence to kind treatment
of one's mother over kind treatment of one's father, and the Sahabah used
to remind the Muslims of this after the death of the Prophet (PBUH). Ibn
`Abbas, a great scholar and
faqih of this
ummah, considered
kind treatment of one's mother to be the best deed to bring one closer
to Allah (SWT). A man came to him and said, "I asked for a woman's hand
in marriage, and she refuse me. Someone else asked for her hand and she
accepted and married him. I felt jealous, so I killed her. Will my repentance
be accepted?" Ibn `Abbas asked, "Is your mother still alive?" He said,
"No." So he told him, "Repent to Allah (SWT) and do your best to draw close
to Him."
`Ata' ibn Yassar, who narrated this report from Ibn `Abbas, said:
"I went and asked Ibn Abbas, `Why did you ask him if his mother was still
alive?' He said, `Because I know of no other deed that brings people closer
to Allah (SWT) than kind treatment and respect towards one's mother.'"11
Imam Bukhari opens his book
al-Adab al-Mufrad with a chapter on
respect and kindness towards parents (
birr al-walidayn), in which
he places the section on good treatment of the mother before that on good
treatment of the father, consistent with the teachings of the Prophet (PBUH).
The Qur'an evokes feelings of love and respect in the heart of the child,
and encourages him or her to treat parents well. It refers to the mother
being given precedence because of pregnancy and breast-feeding, and the
pains and trials that she suffers during these two stages, in a most gentle
and compassionate way. It recognizes her noble sacrifice and great tenderness
and care:
(
And We have enjoined on man
[to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear
him, and in years twain was his weaning: [hear the command]: `Show gratitude
to Me and to your parents: to Me is [your final] Goal.')
(Qur'an
31:14)
What supreme teaching! What humane, compassionate direction: "Show gratitude
to Me and to your parents." Showing gratitude to parents for what they
have done for their child comes second only to showing gratitude to Allah
(SWT), and is one of the best righteous deeds. What a high status this
religion gives to parents!
Ibn `Umar saw a Yemeni man circumambulating the Ka`bah, carrying his
mother. The man said to him, "I am like a tame camel for her: I have carried
her more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn
`Umar?" He replied, "No, not even one contraction!"12
Every time `Umar ibn al-Khattab (RAA) saw the reinforcements from Yemen,
he asked them, "Is Uways ibn `Amir among you?" - until he found Uways.
He asked him, "Are you Uways ibn `Amir?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked,
"Are you from the clan of Murad in the tribe of Qaran?" Uways said, "Yes."
`Umar asked, "Did you have leprosy, then you were cured of it except for
an area the size of a dirham? Uways said, "Yes." `Umar asked, "Do
you have a mother?" Uways said, "Yes." `Umar said: "I heard the Messenger
of Allah (PBUH) say: `There will come to you with the reinforcements from
Yemen a man called Uways ibn `Amir of the clan of Murad from the tribe
of Qaran. He had leprosy but has been cured of it except for a spot the
size of a dirham. He has a mother, and he has always treated her
with kindness and respect. If he prays to Allah (SWT), Allah (SWT) will
fulfil his wish. If you can ask him to pray for forgiveness for you, then
do so.' So ask Allah (SWT) to forgive me." Uways asked Allah (SWT) to forgive
him, then `Umar asked him, "Where are you going?" Uways said, "To Kufah."
`Umar said, "Shall I write a letter of recommendation for you to the governor
there?" Uways said, "I prefer to be anonymous among the people."13
What a high status Uways reached by virtue of his kindness and respect
towards his mother, so that the Prophet (PBUH) recommended his
Sahabah
to seek him out and ask him to prafor them!
All of this indicates the high status to which Islam has raised the
position of motherhood, and given the mother precedence over the father.
At the same time, Islam has given importance to both parents, and has enjoined
kindness and respect to both.
A woman may enjoy a life of ease and luxury in her husband's home, and
may be kept so busy with her husband and growing children that she has
little time to spare for her parents, and neglects to check on them and
treat them well.
But the true Muslim woman is safe from such errors, as she reads the
recommendations of the Qur'an and Sunnah concerning parents. So she pays
attention to them, constantly checking on them and hastening to treat them
well, as much as her energy, time and circumstances permit, and as much
as she can.
She treats them kindly
The Muslim woman who has embraced the values of Islam is kind and respectful
towards her parents, treating them well and choosing the best ways to speak
to them and deal with them. She speaks to them with all politeness and
respect, and surrounds them with all honour and care, lowering to them
the wing of humility, as commanded by Allah (SWT) in the Qur'an. She never
utters a word of contempt or complaint to them, no matter what the circumstances,
always heeding the words of Allah (SWT):
(
Your Lord has decreed that
you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one
of both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of
contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out
of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: `My Lord! Bestow
on them Your mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.')
(Qur'an
17:23-24)
If one or both parents are deviating from true Islam in some way, the dutiful
Muslim daughter should, in this case, approach them in a gentle and sensitive
manner, so as to dissuade them from their error. She should not condemn
them harshly, but should try to convince them with solid proof, sound logic,
wise words and patience, until they turn to the truth in which she believes.
The Muslim woman is required to treat her parents well, even if they
are mushrikin. She does not forget that she is obliged to treat
them well in spite of their shirk. Although she knows that shirk
is the worst of major sins, this does not prevent her from treating her
parents well according to the uniquely tolerant shari`ah of Islam:
(
And We have enjoined on man
[to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear
him, and in years twain was his weaning: [hear the command], `Show gratitude
to Me and to your parents: to Me is [your final] Goal.' But if they strive
to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge,
obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice [and consideration],
and follow the way of those who turn to Me [in love]: in the End the return
of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the truth [and meaning] of all
that you did.)
(Qur'an 31:14-15)
Kindness and respect towards parents is an important matter in Islam, because
it springs from the strongest of human ties, the bond of a child to his
or her mother and father. But this bond, great as it is, must come second
to the bonds of faith. If the parents are
mushrikin, and order their
son or daughter to join them in their
shirk, then the child must
not obey them. There is no obedience to a created being in disobeying the
Creator; no other bond may supersede that of faith and belief in Allah
(SWT). However, children are still obliged to honour and take care of their
parents.
The Muslim woman is kind and respectful towards her parents in all circumstances,
and she spares no effort to make them happy, as much as she can and within
the limits of Islam. So she checks on them from time to time, offers her
services, visits them often and greets them with a cheerful smile, a loving
heart, delightful gifts and words of kindness.
This is how she cares for them during their lives. After their death,
she shows her love and respect by praying for them, giving charity on their
behalf, and paying off whatever debts they may owe to Allah (SWT) or to
other people.
Treating parents with kindness and respect is one of the essential attitudes
of Muslim men and women. This noble attitude should be ongoing and should
continue, no matter how complicated life becomes, no matter how high the
cost of living rises, and no matter how many burdens or responsibilities
a person has.
This attitude is an indication of the rich emotions that still exist
in Muslim lands, al-hamdu-lillah, and it is proof of the gratitude
which Muslim men and women feel towards the older generation which has
made so many sacrifices for them when they themselves were most in need
of kind words, consolation and a helping hand.
This attitude will protect a person, man or woman, from hard-heartedness
and ingratitude. What is more, it will open to them the gates of Paradise.
Footnotes:
-
(Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 2/176, Kitab al-salat, bab fadl
al-salawat al-khams.
-
(Bukhari and Muslim), See Riyad al-Salihin, 191, bab birr al-walidayn.
-
See Riyad al-salihin, 191, bab birr al-walidayn
-
This child is one of the three who spoke in the cradle. The other two are
'Isa ibn Maryam (Jesus the son of Mary) and the child who was with his
mother among the people of al-Ukhdud (the ditch). [Author]
-
See Fath al-Bari, 3/78, Kitab al-'aml fi'l-salah, bab idha da'at al-umm
waladaha fi'l-salat, and 5/136, Kitab al-mazalim, bab idha hadama ha'itan
falyabni ghayrahu.
-
See Fath al-Bari, 4/64, Kitab juz' al-sayd, bab al-hajj wa'l-nudhur.
-
Sahih Muslim, 8/25, Kitab al-siyam, bab qada' al-sawm 'an al-mayit.
-
(Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/13, Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah,
bab silat al-walid al-mushrik.
-
(Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/15, Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah,
bab tahrim al-'uquq.
-
(Bukhari and Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/4, Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah,
bab birr al-walidayn.
-
Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 1/45, bab birr al-umm.
-
Reported by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 1/62, bab jaza' al-walidayn.
-
See Sahih Muslim, 16/95, Kitab fada'il al-sahabah, bab min fada'l Uways
al-Qarani.
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