The royalty we remember tend to be ones with monikers like “the Conqueror” or “the Lionheart.” But history hasn’t always been so kind. In some cases, it’s been downright nasty. See if you can identify these unprepossessing sovereigns by their sorry sobriquets.

2. Despite his skillful consolidation of power and creation of a great dynasty, this diminutive monarch just didn’t measure up to his magnificent son. The first Frankish sovereign to be anointed by the pope is tersely dismissed by history as “the Short.”

3. Neither eloquence, nor wit, nor tresses flowed fulsomely in this ill-favored imperial family. From a patriarch nicknamed “the Bald” sprang a son who bore the inelegant byname “the Stammerer” and a grandson dubbed “the Simple.” The last label was perhaps undeserved, as its bearer ascended the throne at the tender age of 4.

4. He meekly paid tribute to the Danes, but they plundered and pillaged his lands anyway. In battle, his followers betrayed him. After his death, his widow married his arch enemy. No wonder this ineffectual king was known as “the Unready.”

5. It wasn’t bad enough that this monarch’s fall from power marked the final disintegration of a great medieval empire. History added insult to injury, loading him down with the byname “the Fat.” Ouch.

6. In an age when holdings were the source of all power, this lackluster king certainly deserved the byname “Lackland.” After losing Normandy and almost all his other French possessions in war, he faced a revolt among his own barons that resulted in the sealing of the Magna Carta.

7. Brutal and despotic as this Slavic prince was, his advanced age proved more conspicuous than his morals. Bynamed “the Old,” he ascended the throne at 47, only to be ousted at 51 by his brother, known as “the Just.” He briefly returned to power during a spate of civil wars – at the ripe age of 65 and, again, at 68.

8. He was called “the Cruel” or “the Just,” depending on one’s point of view. A lover and a fighter, at 19 he abandoned his Bourbon bride after their nuptials in favor of a beloved mistress, causing a major political rift with France and Rome. He waged bitter wars with neighboring kingdoms and crushed a rash of revolts by his bastard half-brothers, one of whom eventually usurped the throne with a deed that earned him the moniker “the Fratricide.”

9. This consummate back-stabber richly deserved the byname “the Bad.” He made formal claims on France while secretly plotting with England. He befriended the beleaguered Castilian king, then sold him out. Legend has it he even murdered his brother-in-law, the French king. This traitorous king’s peace-loving son, dubbed “the Noble,” admitted his sire’s transgressions and ceded his ill-gotten territorial gains.

10. A royal bastard in every sense of the word, this foreigner snatched England from under his legitimate brother’s nose, murdered the defeated British heir-apparent, banished his late father’s queen, and trounced Welsh and Scot invaders. Perhaps it was for his fancy footwork that history graced him with the byname “Harefoot.”

The Last Word
c/o USC Trojan Family Magazine
University of Southern California
Los Angeles, CA 90089-2538

Submissions by fax (213-821-1100) and e-mail magazines@usc.edu are also welcome. Be sure to include your name and mailing address.

3. We will award up to five $30 gift
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Last Word Solutions - Winter 1999