Articles
Growing Thicker Skin
A manager says, “You have not performed to the level I expected.” The worker takes the feedback personally.
James’ grandmother asks him to retrieve a plate from a high cabinet. He finds five stacks of plates, all different sizes. He grabs a medium-sized one and
hands it to his grandmother, who screams, “No, No, NO! Not THAT one!” James is crushed.
Edie asks her co-worker Katrin to join her for lunch, and she declines due to a busy work schedule. Later, the Edie sees her having lunch with another co-worker, and
feels slighted.
Having planned a dinner of fish tacos (with filets already marinating), Marie declines her son’s request for Burger King, and he responds, “I hate you!
” Marie feels hurt and unappreciated.
The people involved in these scenarios all feel hurt to some degree. Imagine how they would feel if someone told them, “You need to grow thicker skin.
”
What does “thick skin” mean, anyway? Are people supposed to not feel, not care, and keep their mouth shut when something upsets them?
Stuffing feelings does not seem like the healthiest approach. How might this thick skin notion be made more useful?
Taking words personally—or not
Hearing a boss say performance is below par, it is normal to feel disappointment or concern. But what makes a person feel angry or hurt in this situation?
• The boss’ message does not come across as intended
• You interpret the criticism as intentionally hurtful
• You believe criticism means that something is wrong with you
In other words, taking words and their meanings personally can make someone more emotional and stressed. For instance, if an employee interpreted the statement
“You have not performed to the level I expected” to mean your job performance stinks and you’re a bum, he is going
to suffer. Compare this with the person who hears the boss saying, I have high expectations and really want to accomplish something, so you need to
bring your A-game. That person is separating her work performance from her character, and sees that the manager is doing the same. This brings us to the first
step to growing thicker skin: realizing that criticism of a behavior is not criticism of you as a person.
Expectations of perfection—or even greatness—can also contribute to taking things personally. Striving for achievement is a noble quality, as long as the
striver acknowledges that he will make mistakes, have off days, and will not please everyone. The person who does not allow herself these human imperfections is prone
to the mindset, if I didn’t do it great, then something is wrong with me. That hurts. She could benefit from Step 2 to growing thicker skin: believing you can do
something less than perfect and still be a good, worthwhile person.
Unfair criticism
Some criticisms are totally unreasonable, yet can still hurt someone prone to taking things personally. For instance, why is James so hurt when his grandmother
berates him for pulling the wrong plate? First, his parents expertly trained him to respect and cater to his grandmother. When she blows up, he believes he failed to keep
her happy, and thus failed to respect her. More importantly, he has always known his grandmother to be reasonable. He has never seen her act so harshly. He does not
consider that since his last visit three years ago, his grandmother aged, had a few mild strokes, and suffered a sharp change in personality, making her irritable and
impatient.
Once aware of this information, James no longer takes his grandmother’s criticisms personally. Not only is he prepared for unreasonable criticisms, he
expects them. He also changes his perception of his grandmother from a gentle nurturer to a feisty free spirit battling the effects of age (in his words, “The old lady
is mad”). This example gives us Step 3 to growing thicker skin: if you can anticipate unreasonable or excessive criticisms, then you can put them in perspective
and never begin to think there is something wrong with me or I have failed. James’ comment about his grandmother being “mad”
also gives us Step 4: When encountering people who act unreasonably, it helps to have a sense of humor.
The problem with being smart (and arriving at conclusions quickly)
When Edie sees Katrin having lunch with Denise after claiming to be busy, she knows exactly what’s up: Katrin doesn’t really like her, doesn’t
respect her enough to say that, and thinks she’s too dumb to see through her “busy” excuse. Katrin was truly busy, but Denise interrupted her,
pleading for advice after her husband demanded a divorce that morning. Having experienced a divorce, Katrin wanted to help Denise, but not during peak work hours, so she
offered to speak during lunch instead. Preoccupied with Denise’s situation, Katrin never thinks to explain the situation to Edie.
Edie accurately concluded that Katrin blew her off—she did—but her conclusions about how and why she blew her off were totally inaccurate. Thus, a logical
Step 5 skin thickening technique is to avoid making conclusions about another’s feelings or intentions, and simply ask them. Step 6 is a slight modification of
Step 1: realizing that if someone rejects you for an activity or appointment (directly or indirectly), he or she is not necessarily rejecting you as a person.
Whose feelings are these, anyway?
Marie never imagined how much those three words would hurt. .You hate me? Because I wouldn’t take you to Burger King? I know you’re only six,
but still, how could you say that to me? I try so hard to raise you right and show you I love you, and you say you hate me? Oh, that cuts me deep! What is Marie
doing (besides everything possible to feel horrible)?
She seems to be practicing skin thinning, not thickening. First, she is not recognizing an unreasonable and excessive criticism. Her son is angry for not getting his
way, but surely he does not hate her. Marie also appears to be thinking that something is wrong with her. Perhaps she feels somehow responsible for her son’s
angry reaction. There lies the trap she has fallen into: taking responsibility for her son’s feelings, rather than allowing him to own them himself. Marie is allowed to
set rules and make decisions without second-guessing herself. Her son is entitled to get mad about those decisions. That doesn’t mean she gave him those
feelings. If she recognizes her son’s feelings as belonging to him, does not try to take responsibility for them, and keeps a sense of humor about his melodramatic
“I hate you!” response, then she avoids feeling hurt, angry, and stressed.
To wrap up, here is the list of steps to grow thicker skin and decrease stress:
- Realize that criticism of a behavior is not criticism of you as a person
- Believe you can do something less than perfect and still be a good, worthwhile person
- Recognize unreasonable or excessive criticisms, put them in perspective, and don’t allow yourself to think there is something wrong with me or I have failed
- Have a sense of humor
- Instead of making conclusions about another’s feelings or intentions, ask them
- Realize that if someone rejects you for an activity or appointment, he or she is not necessarily rejecting you as a person
- Recognize others’ feelings as their own, and do not try to take responsibility for causing them or take them on as your own feelings
- Have a sense of humor!
For more tools for growing thicker skin, developing communication techniques, and reducing stress, contact the Center for Work and Family Life and ask about free
stress management workshops for USC employees.
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