Articles
Aspirin for Perfectionists
Jason Sackett, LCSW
Jack stops at the market after a busy day at work and fills his cart with 49 groceries. After a long line and a slow checkout, he packs his car and heads home.
As he pulls into his driveway, he realizes he forgot to buy garlic, and thinks, what an idiot
I am!
Marion has worked in her department six years, has achieved two promotions, and is popular with her co-workers. She also parents two children with virtually
no help from her ex-husband. This week, she schedules a meeting for the wrong day, and accidentally disconnects a call. Today, she is seeing a doctor for the
first time, and when she realizes she has left her insurance card at home, she thinks to herself, I’m so incompetent!
A talented lecturer, Professor Smith receives lower-than-usual marks on student evaluations, and concludes, I’ve lost my mojo! Now, Smith
spends many more hours preparing lectures and organizing materials. However, despite the extra preparation, the professor frequently worries about teaching—while at
home.
Striving for achievement is healthy. Alfred Adler, one of the founders of psychology, considered it a fundamental human need. Not surprisingly, people who set
goals and work to accomplish something meaningful are often productive and feel satisfaction with their achievements. At what point do high achievers cross the line
into becoming full-blown perfectionists? Most likely, they gradually develop perfectionist thinking over time, and don’t even notice when they cross that line.
Labeling a person “perfectionist” involves subjectivity. However, the cases of Jack, Marion, and Professor Smith illustrate three hallmark traits of perfectionists:
they beat themselves up when they make mistakes, don’t give themselves credit for a majority of achievements, and attempt to control forces that are beyond their control,
usually with worry. Since true perfection is impossible, people who think this way at times feel disappointed and miserable. So what can they do? What is the treatment
for the perfectionist’s headache?
Perfectionist Aspirin #1—Grade by percentages (instead of pass/fail)
Jack forgot to buy garlic, disqualifying him from being perfect. But does forgetting one item out of 50 make him an idiot? If his shopping trip was a class exam,
and he got 49/50 correct, that makes 98%, also known as an A+. If people graded their competence using such percentage scales, comparing their mistakes to
what they got right, they would almost always receive passing grades, and very often A’s. With an A+ in your pocket, it’s hard to make a case for idiocy.
Perfectionist Aspirin #2—Weigh the evidence
Marion’s case does not lend itself well to percentage grading. She made three mistakes in one week, but how many things did she do correctly? This is not practical
to measure numerically. Instead, she can weigh the evidence of her belief, I’m incompetent. What is her evidence? She messed up a meeting,
botched a phone call, and forgot a needed insurance card in a short span of time. If you’re the judge and jury, do you find her guilty of incompetence? Before you decide, consider the
evidence to the contrary, that she is competent. She has been a stable employee for a significant period of time, has been promoted twice, has good relationships,
and independently raises two children and maintains a household. Could an incompetent person really achieve this? Marion’s perfectionist thought process leads
her to believe that if she makes a mistake—if she isn’t perfect—then she must be incompetent. However, if she weighs the evidence, comparing her mistakes to the body
of her successes, she cannot reach that conclusion.
Perfectionist Aspirin #3—Let go of what you can’t control
No one can truly control another person’s actions, or be all things to all people. Professor Smith may have delivered perfectly fine lectures to exceptionally
critical students. If this were true, what could anyone have done to prevent low evaluations? Smith needs to accept that student evaluations are beyond an instructor’s
control. Sure, professors can work hard to prepare lectures and use cutting-edge teaching techniques in class, which may ultimately influence students to give positive
feedback. However, once teachers deliver a class, it is out of their hands, and students have complete control over how they rate that professor. To regain
the “lost mojo,” Professor Smith must stick to what is within control: putting more effort into preparation and technique. Smith
accomplishes this, but then ruminates about teaching and student feedback. This worrying creates the illusion of control (I’m thinking about it, so
that must make a difference). In reality, it does nothing to improve Smith’s in-class performance, might actually hinder it, and at minimum detracts from the
professor’s quality of life at home. Furthermore, if Professor Smith received low marks again, then all that time spent worrying would have accomplished was to bring
the pain early, for no other benefit or advantage.
Take 3 aspirin…
If ultra-high expectations, self-criticism, devaluation of accomplishments, and excessive worry cause you to suffer in any way, you can keep handy these
three tablets of aspirin to soothe that perfectionist headache: (1) grading yourself by percentages, instead of all-or-nothing; (2) weighing the evidence to determine
competence and refute inaccurate self-labeling; and (3) taking action on what is within your control (and not fretting over forces out of your control). Not only will
this help reduce the burden of perfectionist thinking, but will also enable you to retain positive feelings and enjoy your many accomplishments.
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