Articles
Straight Up
Honest, direct words to help teenagers help themselves
Jason Sackett, LCSW
The Seven-Word Warning
(That Your Parents Are About To Shut You Down)
Do you like to complain to your parents? When you whine and gripe and give them lots of attitude, do you find that they give you what you want, let you out of responsibilities, and basically get out of your way? Way to go! You’re learning early in life that manipulation can be a powerful tool. As long as it’s working, you might as well use it to the max. Every skill has its limits, though, so you might want to know when throwing your weight around is losing its effect. When your parents are tired of your act, they will give you an unmistakable, seven-word warning that they’re about to shut you down: What do you want me to do?
Even with this “heads-up” from me, you might not realize right away how powerful these words are, so I’ll break it down for you.
What do you want me to do? means you can’t be vague
Creating confusion—expressing anger and complaints in an unclear way—is one of your most clever tricks to getting your way with your parents. “I’m just pissed, everything sucks, this is boring, I hate that, you never do anything for me”—statements like these keep your parents off balance. You get them wondering what the problem is, and may influence them to try to please you (with goodies) or make you less stressed (by taking away responsibilities, pressure, or their authority). Sounds good, huh? Unfortunately, the Seven-Word Warning takes the power away from that tactic, because it calls your bluff and asks you to say specifically what you really want. Imagine, for example, you’re avoiding your homework, and you want your parents to either do it for you or allow you to skip it. You might get irritable, complain about how hard and unfair homework is, or even better, make statements like “I’m so stupid,” “I can’t do this,” or “This is making me so depressed!”
“What do you want me to do?” your father asks.
Extortion refers to demanding a reward or privilege, with some form of threat stated or implied if the reward is not granted. Adolescents often attempt to exert power or intimidate their parents to get what they want. Extortion may range from sustaining an emotional outburst or tantrum or until parents give in, to threatening violence or self-harm to get one’s way. Some teens even threaten non-compliance of necessary responsibilities or tasks, such as homework, until their parents meet their demands. Threats may also be vague, such as, “You better let me go to the movies, or you’ll be sorry!”
Extortion is a serious behavior that can jeopardize family relationships, moral development, and a child’s entire future, because the Real World does not tolerate this conduct. Adolescents who practice extortion typically started young, using it in less severe forms, and gradually escalating over time.
Parents may feel that it is too late or too difficult to address this behavior in teenagers. However, failure to address extortion only leads to greater power imbalances, prolonged suffering, and increased jeopardy for kids’ futures. Parents must hold steady and never give in to demands no matter how serious the threats; these only get worse over time if demands are met. For severe extortion cases, professional intervention (therapy, hospitalization, residential placement, law enforcement) may be warranted. As dramatic and potentially costly as these services may seem, they are cheap and practical when one considers the potential long-term destructiveness of a teen who gets needs met through extortion.
Parents can also use three basic techniques to combat extortion. First, rather than giving in, they can delay all rewards and privileges until the extortion stops. “Threaten us and you get nothing” is the textbook response. Parents can also confront extortion using a strong, authoritative re-direction: “I don’t want to EVER hear you talk like that, to me or to anyone else, understand! You are not the boss of me, and I am not raising a thug!” Or, they can ignore the extortion, keeping a bland, neutral expression: “Yeah, whatever. You don’t scare me. Act that way as long as you like, but I’m not giving in.” Any of these techniques may work, depending on the individuals involved, the family communication style, and the strength of the parents. Parents can first test the method that feels most comfortable to them.
Bribery is a strategy common to teenagers and parents. The teen version of bribery involves asking for an up-front payment for services. In other words, they say, “Give me this, and I’ll do what you want.” Thus, it is based on manipulation of parents rather than intimidation or threats. Teens who successfully use bribery lose all motivation to carry out the tasks they have promised, and generally learn to get their needs met through “smooth talking” rather than through hard work and earned privileges.
Clearly, this is a dangerous pattern of behavior that can lead to failures in developmental goals as well as low self-esteem. Parents need to recognize this behavior at its early stages. Generally, whenever children are trying to dictate the terms of a reward or privilege, it borders on bribery. Once recognized, the response is universal: “No up-front payments. If you want something, do what you’re supposed to do first, then we’ll see about what you deserve as a reward.”
Parents use bribery in a different fashion, saying more or less, “We’re going to reward you for something you haven’t done yet so you will appreciate us and work harder.” When other techniques have failed, parents may offer up-front rewards to influence (bribe) their teenager to do what they want. This act of desperation rarely produces any sustained results, and generally invites more bribery or extortion from the teen. Setting up an incentive plan based on identified rewards AFTER timely completion of responsibilities will help avoid bribery arrangements. Or, parents can dole out rewards at random following a kid’s compliance or successful task completion.
Trained non-compliance—when teens learn to refuse parental directions—occurs two ways. First, children train their parents to allow them to escape responsibilities, usually through a veiled form of extortion. They make such a fuss when asked to do something that parents are deterred from enforcing follow-through with the task. Or, they convince the parents they are helpless, and that enforcing compliance will damage them. Over time, parents are trained to accept non-compliance or stop demanding any work or responsibility from their kid. In this process, the teen is also trained, gaining great satisfaction through her escape from responsibility.
Parents must learn to tolerate the “fusses” and enforce compliance with all commands and responsibilities. They must not allow their teen to escape from a responsibility or task once ordered, or they are essentially giving in to extortion, reinforcing resistance, and training the child to be increasingly defiant. If teens refuse to comply, then parents must delay all of their rewards or privileges until they ultimately follow directions. If an adolescent employs the second technique—trying to convince parents that she is helpless, vulnerable, or impaired to provoke your sympathy and guilt—parents must not buy into this. Teenagers are far from helpless and can always learn to be responsible, even if they have suffered trauma or have emotional problems.
If parents feel excessive guilt when they demand compliance, or do not feel strong enough to withstand their teen’s complaining and resistance to responsibilities, they are encouraged to seek professional counseling. Otherwise, trained non-compliance will likely continue, leading to prolonged suffering for the teen, parents, and any siblings or other family members living in the home.
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