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Articles
How teens and young adults can enjoy Facebook without failing in school, alienating friends, and stirring up trouble
By Jason Sackett, LCSW
I have used Facebook almost daily since joining, and have found it fun, useful, and fulfilling. It has put me closer in touch with family and friends than any other
time I can remember. However, some users do not share my positive experiences. People are signing up for Facebook en masse, including millions of teenagers,
with no real training on how to use it effectively. Some get themselves in big trouble, from etiquette breeches that alienate friends and co-workers, to unintentional
disclosures (to a boss) that they are using Facebook on company time. The following guidelines can help keep the experience positive.
Add real friends
Facebook is not a contest that awards a prize for collecting as many friends as possible. Some of my contacts have 1000+ "friends." Who are these people?
If you're not sure what defines a real friend, try asking four questions:
- Do I care about what this person is doing?
- Do I want this person knowing what I'm doing?
- Do I want this person viewing pictures of my family, children, or myself?
- Can this person know what I’m doing or view my pictures without risk of conflict or trouble?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions, don't add them. If you want to amass people to follow your business, band, or product, use Twitter or LinkedIn.
Once you flood your contacts with strangers, you will be limiting your posts, comments, pictures, and overall expression that can connect you to your true friends.
Along the same lines, don't request people to be your friend just because you knew them years ago, and then blow them off after they accept the request. If you
don't plan to have ongoing dialogue or comment on their posts, then you don't need to add them. If you’re still considering adding everyone you can think of as a friend,
consider this: If you add your boss or co-workers as friends, and you write posts or comments during work hours, THEY WILL KNOW THE EXACT TIME YOU WERE
PLAYING WITH FACEBOOK WHILE ON THE JOB. Better yet, don’t log in to Facebook during work hours, even from a mobile device, unless using the service is part
of your job description.
Think of Facebook as being at a big party
That's basically what it is. You are communicating publicly with a number of people in a casual, social atmosphere, and anyone present can observe your words
and behavior. You can be highly expressive, reach out to people, play games, share stories and pictures, show off, or sit back quietly and observe others’ interactions,
throwing in an occasional comment. Just like a party, people develop a persona, or style of carrying and expressing themselves, and everyone present observes this.
The critical difference is that with Facebook, your friends are always present, and everything you say is completely visible and relatively permanent. Sure, you can
delete a post or comment, but if hundreds of people have already read it, the damage can be lasting. If you think of Facebook as a party, then you can make a
conscious effort to use the same social skills and etiquette that you would at a live gathering, build a positive persona, and enhance friendships rather than harm them.
Keep it decent
You're on a public forum shared by a number of friends, with no guarantee of confidentiality. Just like getting drunk and ripping your off your shirt at a social gathering,
if you post inappropriate comments or pictures on Facebook, it will get around. This has ruined friendships, relationships, and careers. It may be hard to imagine an
executive posting nude pictures of himself on Facebook, free for his friends—some of whom work at his company—to view. Yet, this happens on a regular basis.
Don’t be that guy, even if you’re not an executive. Flirting can be risky on Facebook, too, unless you are single, unattached, and not prone to offending people
with flirtatious comments. At a live gathering, it may be possible to flirt, then deny or down-play the seriousness of your flirting. When the comments sit on your
wall for everyone to see, you are busted, with no hope of downplaying anything
Keep it civil
Repeatedly getting on a soap box, confrontation, hostility, arguing, and using Facebook to vent strong feelings can also turn people off to your posts.
Righteousness and high emotion don’t work well on this forum. Save those for phone calls or individual meetings with friends. Remember, it’s a party.
Finally, consider how you express yourself in written form, keeping in mind that your words may be perceived more formally or seriously than they are in person,
much like they can be in email (see article, “Damaging email” http://www.usc.edu/dept/socialwork/cwfl/articles/email.html).
Write compelling, funny, or purposeful posts
Even though Facebook involves casual socializing, people still crave stimulating discussion. If you met up with some friends at a party, would you start a conversation
about doing your laundry, going to the gym, eating cereal for breakfast, or being stuck in traffic? If you did, you would have to make your words remarkable, like
"I was doing my laundry and this cute guy's shorts ended up in my clothes pile"--or people would lose interest and stop paying attention to your conversation.
It's no different on Facebook. Actually, it’s easier to express yourself in a meaningful way, because you have the ability to edit your words before posting them, and you
don’t have the pressure of people standing around you and hanging on your every word. Take advantage of that ability to edit, and get people’s attention with posts that
your friends will find interesting.
Social first, business second
Decide if you will use Facebook primarily for social or business purposes. Hint: Facebook is a social networking site, so unless your friends are all business,
posting only professional comments may not "fit," attract the attention you want, or support your business goals. People who post mostly social comments
connect better and draw more comments from their friends. However, when they write an occasional business-related post, it still gets attention and comments
because their friends are tuned to them. Facebook is the most efficient way to stay connected to people you care about and keep current with their activities.
If you make it purely about business, you lose out on those great benefits.
Don't be a stranger
Some users never contribute posts or comments. Perhaps they like reading others’ stuff, but feel too shy to voice their own thoughts. However, if they never
say ANYTHING, it can create the perception of a one-way relationship, and it's easy to forget them. It’s okay to stand apart from the group and work your way
in slowly, but most people don’t have fun at a party standing in a corner.
Don't hog the wall
This will hurt some of my friends' feelings, but posting numerous times a day trains people to stop paying attention to you. Some users get resentful about one friend
taking up too much wall space, forcing them to scroll forever to locate the posts of other friends. Besides, how many remarkable events happen in one day? To avoid
this problem, you can be more selective with your posts, spread them out over time, and alternate between writing updates and commenting on your friends' posts.
Maintain your privacy
The corporate people at Facebook want as much activity on the site as possible, so they set defaults for minimal privacy, but that's not in your best interest.
For example, some users post pictures of their kids for friends to see, but don't want friends of friends to see them. If they did, those people would be their friends.
To avoid this, just go to settings--> privacy --> profile, and set everything to "Only Friends."
Visit Facebook regularly to stay connected
If you have 100+ friends, and you log in only once a week, you will have to read through so many posts that it can overwhelm you and take the fun out of Facebook.
Browsing your wall for 5-10 minutes a day is usually enough to keep up with the posts and comments that matter to you.
Keep it in moderation
On the flip side, if you're logged in 24/7, your friends will know (because your chat box will always show you as online), you will neglect important aspects of your life,
and you will probably fail classes, get fired, and lose your relationship, too. You may also forget how to interact in a live setting. Facebook can be truly addictive,
so use it in moderation, following the 5-10 minute daily use guideline to avoid getting hooked. In addition, try to socialize in person from time to time, and don't limit
your social networking exclusively to Facebook or other online services.
________________________________________________________________________
Jason Sackett is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Employee Assistance Professional with the
USC Center for Work and Family Life.
For more information, contact the Center at (213) 821-0800, or visit www.usc.edu/dept/socialwork/cwfl/.
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