Articles
Don’t let them eat cake
Giving children too much causes more problems than you might think
Jason Sackett, LCSW
Sometimes, I find it helpful to think about children in the simplest terms: It is their job to try to get as much stuff as they can, as often as they can, with the
least possible effort. If this were true, what would be the most helpful parental response?
Imagine your son or daughter wants something, has done nothing to earn it, and yet demands it immediately. Your only possible answers are yes and no.
Yes means you will give your child what she wants (sooner or later) without working for it, and no means you will make her do something (in advance of receiving the coveted
item) to earn it. Let’s consider the potential consequences of each position.
Yes
Child instantly happy
Thrill of victory is short-lived
Demands increase in value & frequency
Parent stress increases with each demand
Child learns…
“Ask and you shall receive”
Why work when prizes come free?
No means I must push harder, longer
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No
Child instantly angry, sad, or disappointed
Whines, protests, accuses you of not loving
Compares you to other parents that say yes
Parent feels temporary guilt or annoyance
Child learns…
Asking not enough
Prizes must be earned
No means no (I either wait, or work)
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With such lopsided results, why do parents ever say yes?
Kids are master guilt-trippers
We say yes because we can’t tolerate the thought of our child feeling unhappy. Kids know this and take full advantage. Think about it—how many times have you seen
your child unhappy, but did not try to cheer him up? Doesn’t parental instinct compel you to make some effort to raise his spirits?
When a child whines, cries, tantrums, sulks, or guilt-trips in protest to being denied immediate gratification, parents are vulnerable to the following thoughts:
- I am depriving my child
- My child feels unloved
These lead to worse thoughts:
- My child will suffer, remain unhappy, and fall apart
- My child and others will blame me, hate me, and reject me
These lead to a depressing conclusion:
This conclusion prompts parents to say yes, when saying no is clearly the healthier move.
The illusion of suffering and deprivation
All parents need is a little reality to keep kids from playing on their guilt and fear. First, does denying a child’s unearned demand really amount to deprivation?
If you can read this article, it is unlikely that your child has ever experienced true deprivation, such as hunger, homelessness, or having no loving parental figures.
Having to wait and work for something wanted is not poverty—it’s realistic life in a civilized world. And just because Timmy got to take all his friends to Catalina for his
birthday does not mean that Franklin’s parents are cheating him when they hold his party at a bowling alley.
Don’t buy the “You don’t love me!” or “I hate you!” routines, either. People often use these words to express a strong feeling. I caught myself using the word “hate”
during an unfortunate college football game this year, but how could I truly hate when I don’t even know anyone in the state of Oregon? I just couldn’t find a stronger
word to express my extreme disappointment. Since a child’s job is to get maximum stuff for minimal effort, parents can view their protests as a normal and expectable tactic, rather than as signs of suffering. When their immediate wants are denied, children may feel genuine anger, sadness, or disappointment, but don’t believe for a second that they feel unloved.
Can saying no and insisting that children work for what they want cause depression, hurt self-esteem, or lead to some form of lasting harm? Actually, the reverse is true.
Children made to work for what they want develop pride, strong work ethic, and high self-esteem. They may claim to hate you in the moment, but over time, children respect
and appreciate being challenged to earn their privileges.
The price of over-indulgence
When parents give too much, too often, and without merit, their children ultimately experience anger, confusion, and shame when the rest of the world treats them tougher.
Over-indulged children often develop an excessive sense of entitlement, selfishness, and lack of respect for others’ needs or rights (remember Paris Hilton’s shock at being
arrested for repeatedly driving without a valid license?). Since they rarely have to work for anything, they fail to develop a sense of achievement or competence, and
typically lack work ethic and confidence, other than in their ability to work their parents for loot. Ultimately, these traits can lead to impaired interpersonal skills,
relationships, and careers. As adults, most have difficulty ever feeling satisfied or fulfilled. Considering all this, if you say no to a demand, and your child wails in protest,
you’re probably doing something right.
Giving within reason
If denying your child an undeserved request ever provokes feelings of guilt or leads you to believe you are a bad parent, ask yourself, Is a parent’s worth determined by
how much stuff s/he gives? Paris Hilton pretty much debunks that idea. Once you feel secure saying no, the next step is to counter the “kid mission” to get as much stuff,
as often as possible, with the least effort. Your mission, the Parent Giving Mantra, is the opposite: Make children work the most, over the longest possible time span,
to earn something they want, especially highly valued items or privileges. “Work” can include desirable behavior, chores, academics, helpfulness, etc. Make prizes
age-appropriate, affordable, and consistent with social norms (e.g. no Catalina birthday parties). If they complain, protest, or say they hate you, do nothing,
and wait for them to get to work.
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