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The Morning After

Up and down, 'round and 'round, what to do when you're on the rebound

Up and down, `round and `round, what to do when you're on the rebound

Quinn: I can sum up this one without much trouble. Rebounds on the sports page: good. Rebounds on the morning after: bad--unless, of course, we're talking about Dennis Rodman, in which case the answer to either is talk to a lawyer.
Laura: Well, everyone seems to be breaking up lately, so I think rebounds are great. They're a nice way to forget that heartbreak for a few drunken hours and exert power over members of the gender that caused your crappy mood. "Flirt and forget" is the ticket to momentary happiness. You go out with a mission, and you complete it. It might be scary to see with whom you completed it, but alas, those are the breaks. You just roll over and give them their walking papers.
Quinn: Why give them walking papers? The best rebound I've heard about involved a friend of mine living a male fantasy. He awoke to find his one-night stand hard at work--orally delivering his walking papers, you might say, with the TV tuned to a Bulls game. I wonder what the proper etiquette in that situation would be.
Laura: Well, there's always the obligatory morning action--that's a given. Think of it as overtime. Then get `em out. The worst thing you can do is turn your anguish into affection and focus it on your one-night stand.
Quinn: Laura's not quite getting this. The reason the morning after is bad is because after a morning like that, the day can only get worse. There's no place to go but down.
Laura: You guys are such victims to your "little friend," aren't you? Anyway, that's the point--rebound hook-ups are a quick fix, not a long-term solution. Here are the rules: go out with your pals (who won't mind going home without you), find someone who's do-able who you'll never see again, and get down to business. It's more to cure the whole they-were-the-last-person-I-slept-with memories than to do any actual psychological healing. It's a nice little springboard from which to move on with your love life.
Quinn: All right, I see where you're going, but really, buying a different brand is no way to cure a cigarette habit.
Laura: True, but you're not trying to quit relationships--just get healthy enough to start them up again.
Quinn: One doesn't get healthy by continuing to smoke.
Laura: But it helps to cut down. That's why it's a one-night thing, and sending them on their way quickly is the best course of action. That way they don't feel as used and you don't feel as guilty. Bing, bam, boom, bye.
Quinn: Seems like rushing them out would make them feel more used. Look, cooking a turkey only takes one day, but you're stuck with the leftovers the rest of the month. I say diet a while and after a couple weeks, celebrate the blue period with as many intoxicants and turkeys as you can smoke.
Laura: Oh yeah, that's much healthier. You're just putting off the inevitable for one weekend of decadence and debauchery, whereas I'm saying pace yourself.
Quinn: Who said anything about one weekend? Celebrated blue periods have a minimum time frame of six months and are a hell of a lot more fun than one night of reckless rebounding just after breaking up. The point is to enjoy the depression--milk it for all it's worth, not just one meaningless night to be followed by nights of sad movies and ice cream.
Laura: Who said anything about one night? You can definitely play this out into a new lifestyle choice, and maybe after a while you'll find someone new who'll break your heart all over again. Cycles are such a pain.
Quinn: So we agree; grab as many rebounds as possible. Be like "The Worm."
Laura: As long as you get possession, it doesn't matter how you get the ball.