Edward de la Fuente

Suggestions for conquering soccer's final frontier

s baseball's postseason rages on, another league, Major League Soccer, is holding its playoffs right now as well. The difference is that American sports fans actually care about baseball.
MLS, which was supposed to take off following the rousing domestic success of the World Cup in 1994, is fading fast, just like the crowds that show up to its games.
Soccer, which for some wild reason is popular everywhere else in the world, just isn't catching on with us rebel Americans. With attention spans shorter than the grass on soccer fields, U.S. sports fans need something extra to turn their attention to MLS.
Thankfully, though, there is a way to do this. Because I am looking out for the general welfare of all sports in this country (except for cricket, which because it too closely resembles baseball and involves intermissions for tea is unofficially banned from American shores and should stay that way), I can help. I offer the following plan -- free of charge -- to MLS.
First, get rid of those stupid team nicknames. Whoever decided that it was trendy to give sports franchises singular nicknames should be tortured (making him watch cricket is a good way of achieving this).
Names like the Columbus Crew and New England Revolution remind me too much of minor sports like arena football or roller hockey, where teams do that as part of the gimmick. A sport like soccer, so dignified that no commercials are shown during telecasts, shouldn't have to stoop this low.
We were spared the worst of this when the Kansas City Wiz was renamed the Wizards. Nobody Beats the Wiz, the New York-based electronics chain that must have won some sort of award for worst company name somewhere along the line, laid claim to the name and forced the MLS franchise to make the change. Good for you, Kansas City. Now only if the rest of the teams would be sued.
Second, put teams where teams will be watched. How much business sense does it take to know not to put a team in Columbus, Ohio, where everyone is too busy caring about Ohio State athletics to notice the Crew?
The teams in Los Angeles and New York have large followings because the populations are largely immigrants from countries where soccer is a big sport.
Why not put a second team in each of those cities before expanding to waters unchartered by soccer? Not only would it build healthy rivalries, it looks good when people fill up the venues.
Third, market your personalities. Carlos Valderrama of the Tampa Bay Mutiny has the world's most distinctive hairstyle, so do a commercial based on it. Eric Wynalda of the San Jose Clash is your basic all-American boy, yet he plays soccer. Do a commercial based on it.
A catchy slogan like MLS's current one, "This Stuff Kicks," is good, but not good enough. Kansas City's Preki may be the league's leading scorer, but the only thing that stands out about him is his name. For American audiences, that's not good enough.
Fourth, take a hint or two from a soccer league that's actually doing well here in the U.S., the Continental Indoor Soccer League.
Their teams are in cities hungry for any type of entertainment they can find. The CISL even has a team in Monterrey, Mexico, where fans might even be interested in the game and not the gimmick.
Their game is just like ice hockey, only it's soccer players with a soccer ball. There are power plays, line changes, and sometimes more than one goal is scored!
The lesson here is not to alter the rules, but to find some sort of way to increase scoring. More goals means more interest, which means more fans.
Don't change the rules -- just tweak them a little. Be more lenient in calling offsides. Be more strict in calling fouls inside the penalty area. Give teams more chances to score.
Finally, end the season before football season begins. During the summer, when baseball is the only other sports alternative, interest in MLS is up. But when colleges and the NFL begin play in September, there's suddenly more to do, leaving soccer out in the cold.
Either stage the MLS Cup series in late August, or have the teams' owners collaborate and launch a new cricket league. That way, MLS is guaranteed not to have the lowest interest among American sports fans.